


Five

by ExoEl88



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Angst, Dubious Consent, Heart-to-Heart, Heartache, M/M, Mentioned Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongin | Kai, Mentioned Drunk Sex, Post-Time Skip, mentioned rough sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 10:09:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5201903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExoEl88/pseuds/ExoEl88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been years and he thinks of the hundreds of unspoken words he's wanted to say, but all that goes past his lips is "Hi."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ I'm finally back! I've had a couple of requests to keep me busy (and the Unrequited epilogue!) This one wasn't supposed to be ready before the vampire werewolf oneshot, but I promise that one will be up soon (maybe even later today?) I just still have some editing to do!
> 
> Request: Kim Jongin | Kai x Lee Taemin, angst (without smut~)
> 
> I hope you like it! This kind of killed me to write, omg~

Sweat beads begin to form on his crown. The box in his hands is heavy, and it's the fourth one so far. Taemin impatiently waits for the elevator. When he agreed to help Kibum and Jonghyun move in together, he assumed that he would be helping one person move their things to the other's apartment, not a new one.

Now he's stuck helping them both move their things. He's happy for them, really, but they couldn't have more people helping? They could have hired movers... or at least asked Minho and Jinki to help, too. 

The elevator dings and the door slides open. Taemin nearly drops the box he's carrying at who is standing inside the elevator.

It's Jongin.

He feels a lump forming in his throat. All of the things he's spent years thinking to say swim in his mind, but get stuck in his throat. There's so much he needs to say that he didn't the last time they saw each other. He's stunned as he takes in his appearance. 

Jongin looks up from his phone and visibly stiffens. He averts his gaze immediately, clearly startled by his presence. His eyes fall to the box in Taemin's hands. 

"Hi," Taemin says frantically. Out of all the things he could say, has wanted to say, he says _that._

Jongin's lips press into a tight line as he hesitantly looks up. "Hi," he answers back, distant and aloof. Taemin scrambles to think of something to say... but Jongin beats him to the punch. "Look, I don't have time right now, but we should talk. I live in 17A... come by around six?" Jongin walks past him to exit the elevator, face completely neutral and calm... all traces of surprise gone. 

Since when did he have that much control over his emotions?

Taemin swallows the lump that formed in his throat and nods nervously. "I'll... I'll be there," he says quietly. He moves into the elevator and is about to balance the box in one hand to press the floor number when Jongin moves in the way.

"What floor?" Jongin asks, not meeting his gaze. 

"Fifteen," Taemin answers, trying to keep calm. His thoughts are all over the place.

Jongin presses the 15 button and exits, not giving Taemin the chance to say thank you or goodbye.

As the elevator doors close on Jongin's retreating figure, Taemin can't help but feel overwhelming sadness at their lost relationship. With each passing floor, he feels worse and worse with himself. The door to his long suppressed guilt is kicked wide open. 

The elevator ding arouses him from his thoughts well enough for him to walk towards Kibum and Jonghyun's apartment door. 

Instead of bringing the box inside, he sets it down and leans his back against the wall just outside of his friends' apartment. He runs a slightly shaking hand through his hair, trying to collect himself before he goes inside. He doesn't want them to see him this undone. For a few seconds, he focuses on his breathing. Once he thinks he's okay, he lifts the box and taps the front door with his foot, heart aching just as much as his arms.

Kibum opens the door for him and his eyebrows scrunch a little as he takes in Taemin's demeanor. "What's wrong, Taeminnie?" he asks immediately as he takes the box from his arms.

He looks to the ground instead of Kibum's eyes. "It's nothing."

"No, it's not," Jonghyun comments, grabbing his shoulder to comfort him. 

"I'm fine," Taemin mumbles, but it's an obvious lie to everyone in the room. 

"Taemin, you can talk to us," Kibum says, wrapping him in a back hug.

He sighs and hopes he looks better than he feels. "I saw Jongin. Apparently, he lives in these apartments, too."

He can feel Kibum stiffen behind him and he can see how realization dawns on Jonghyun's face. 

"Oh," Kibum murmurs softly. 

"What did you say?" Jonghyun asks, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. 

"I'm meeting him later today," Taemin answers, wishing he felt more comfortable with their comfort. Instead, he just feels exposed under them. He knows exactly why he feels like this, though... Jongin used to be the only one he let in that far. Now he doesn't even know who Jongin is.

He returns their embrace for a brief moment before he pulls away with a small, shy smile. "Sorry, let's just forget about it. There are still boxes left in the car."

They don't push him, but Jonghyun does go down with him to get more boxes. Taemin appreciates them for not pressuring him to talk. He can think through things better this way. He knows both of them will say something eventually, but for now, he can think freely.

Jongin looks different. Nothing significant physically, except maybe another centimeter of height, maybe a little more muscle. But Taemin can't pin down exactly what looks different about him. Maybe it's the air of maturity that surrounds him now.

Either way, Taemin feels like Jongin changed, but he himself feels utterly the same. His physical appearance certainly hasn't changed. His hair is its natural black and trimmed short. He didn't grow taller. He doesn't feel more mature. Well, that's not exactly true. The fallout with Jongin forced him to rethink his actions and learn from the mistakes he made. So he must have matured a little, at least.

Taemin sighs and picks up another ridiculously heavy box. Despite the heaviness, it's nice to have a distraction. Whenever he thinks about Jongin, his heart aches. The years never did anything to lessen the ache, either. It sort of grew worse with time because he always wondered what Jongin was doing or if he was okay, especially when he heard that he quit dancing. That used to be Jongin's _everything_. His dream, his future, his passion. So Taemin was distressed when he heard the rumors that Jongin quit ballet. Guilt held him back from reaching out, though, because the pain was too raw at the time.

He has years and years of questions to ask, but he still has no idea where the boundaries are, and what is okay to ask. The situation has his mind swimming and his heart clenching.

He knows he won't get any answers until he goes to Jongin's apartment later tonight. Fear, lingering guilt, and deep sorrow all make him weary. He doesn't want to do anything more than apologize. He can't expect much, he knows that, but he wants to be friends again. The past five years without Jongin have been the bleakest of his life. Their relationship can never go back to being the way it was, too much time has passed for that, but maybe they can at least be friendly. Maybe see each other once in a while.

Though he's normally good at keeping his face neutral, today, it's not happening. He can feel the sadness weighing on each of the muscles in his face, and he can't seem to get rid of it.

Jonghyun notices. He doesn't comment, but his gaze is softer than normal whenever Taemin looks over at him. He hates this feeling. Though he's appreciative of them being there for him, he hates needing their support. He hates that he made mistakes with Jongin. 

All these suppressed feelings are resurfacing, and he doesn't know what to do. Seeing Jongin has wrecked his ability to hold it back.

He follows Jonghyun into the apartment and before either him or Kibum can say anything, he heads back for more boxes. He's not ready to talk yet. Then again, he might not ever be ready. This just might have to be one of those times where he has no choice but to go in blind.

The hours leading up to six pass by too quickly. He leaves Jonghyun and Kibum to themselves around four so he can go home and shower before he sees Jongin. He smells like sweat and his skin is coated with a layer of dirt and dust. 

When he's finished scrubbing himself, he puts on fresh clothes and blow dries his hair. He feels more himself now that he's clean.

The nerves prick at him, but he thinks can handle it. Whatever happens with Jongin should at least give him one thing: closure. With that, maybe he can start to move on from this painful memory. That's really all he wants for himself. For Jongin... he wants him to be okay above all else. And Taemin knows he can't have any sort of closure if Jongin isn't okay.

He takes one look at himself in the mirror before deciding that his appearance doesn't matter. He grabs his keys from his counter and exits his apartment, locking it on the way out.

\---

He stands in front of 17A, mentally trying to prepare himself for the worst. He still has a few minutes before six, but now that he's here, he almost doesn't want six to arrive. There's no turning back, he knows that, but he's nervous that things will go sour.

He paces a little back and forth in front of Jongin's door and takes a deep breath. It's now or never.

He knocks tentatively before growing in volume. Everything feels foreign to him, like he's invading Jongin's space. In the past five years, Jongin has built his own life apart from Taemin. For someone who used to know everything about him, this is hard. Jongin is different than the college student Taemin remembers and grew up with. He has to accept that.

The door opens, revealing Jongin. He's dressed nicely in slacks and an expensive black button down. From what Taemin can see, his apartment is almost impossibly clean and orderly. The Jongin that Taemin used to know wore hoodies and couldn't ever keep anything organized.

"Hey," he says, looking up to meet his gaze.

"Hey," Jongin says, stepping aside to let him in. "Come inside."

Taemin walks right by Jongin and into the living room. The plain white walls almost look sterile. The carpet is spotless. All the furniture is modern in shades of blacks and greys. It's nice, but not at all what Taemin would've expected from Jongin's home. Unless... "You don't live alone, do you?" Taemin asks, looking around the room. There are lots of foreign things decorating the tables and the mantle above the fire place.

"No, I don't," Jongin answers. He doesn't elaborate, so Taemin doesn't think he should ask. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Sure. What do you have?" Taemin asks, trying to get used to the stiff politeness Jongin has towards him.

"Milk, juice, water, coffee, tea," he says, looking through the fridge. "I think that's it."

"I'll just take a glass of water," Taemin answers, moving to sit in a dining room chair. Everything feels a little too perfect, and it unsettles him a bit. Maybe it's due to the lack of warmth. This place looks like it was designed for a magazine. The only characer comes from the little foreign trinkets. Other than that, it's kind of cold and unfriendly. He can tell that Jongin and whoever he lives with aren't home often. That thought, too, unsettles Taemin a bit.

Jongin sets a chilled glass in front of him before taking the seat across his. "Thank you," Taemin says with a small smile. He sips the water and tries to think of something decent to say. "Your apartment is nice," he comments, though it's not very genuine. He's not sure if Jongin can tell. 

"Thank you... Baekhyun picked out almost everything," Jongin answers absentmindedly with the ghost of a smile on his face. It sends tiny needles prickling Taemin's heart. Of course Jongin moved on. 

Taemin wishes he did.

"Are you and Baekhyun... together?" Taemin asks. He can't help it. He knows he should only ask questions that aren't connected to other people since that's Jongin's business, but he needs to know.

"Yes and no," Jongin answers, sipping his own water. He looks so calm, like he knew this was coming. It makes Taemin feel childish for being so nervous. "Baekhyun and I live together, obviously. He and I are really close. Romantic... no. Well, we used to be. Over time it turned out to be more of a 'friends with benefits' kind of relationship," Jongin elaborates, looking over at Taemin carefully. "We both are too busy for dating, and neither of us are in love with the other... It's a relationship of convenience."

Jongin's ease in talking about personal things throws him off a bit, especially with how closed off he seemed this morning. He also has no idea what to make of his relationship with Baekhyun. "Why are you too busy to date?" he asks, doing his best to not show his discomfort or give off the wrong impression. 

"He and I both work as models," Jongin says softly, and Taemin suddenly remembers that Jongin quit dancing. He knows he shouldn't ask this, either, but Jongin seems willing to answer his questions, so how can he pass up the opportunity?

"What happened to dancing?" he asks slowly, eyeing the way Jongin's neutral face turns into a heartbreaking sad smile. 

"I was injured in an accident," Jongin mumbles. Taemin's heart clenches imagining Jongin injured and unable to dance. He wants to know so much more; how it happened, what part of him was injured, is he okay, but the words get stuck in his throat. He can tell that this is still a sore subject. With how passionate Jongin is- _was_ \- about dancing, it's only natural. But Jongin isn't forthcoming with details, and does he have any right to ask?

The moment to ask more about it passes when Jongin changes the subject. "How are you?"

Taemin swallows uncomfortably as he thinks of what to say. "I guess I'm doing okay," he answers, staring at the condensation dripping onto the table from his glass.

"To live in these apartments, you must be doing well. What do you do for a living?" Jongin asks, slightly curious.

Taemin shakes his head side to side. "Uh... I don't live here. I was helping Kibum and Jonghyun move in together."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense," he murmurs, mostly to himself. Taemin can't tell if it's disappointment or relief in his eyes. "So where do you work?" he asks, taking a sip from his own water.

"I work at SM Entertainment as a dance instructor," Taemin says sheepishly. He feels uncomfortable talking about this because it's something Jongin used to be interested in.

"Congratulations," Jongin answers with a bittersweet smile. Taemin can at least read this expression. This one carries all the heartache of his lost dream, but genuine happiness for Taemin... and it's extremely touching that after all he's done, Jongin is still happy for him.

"Thank you," he replies. They fall into uncomfortable silence, both unsure of what to say and what not to say. Jongin taps his fingers on his glass idly with a guarded expression adorning his features. Taemin sighs softly. "I miss you," he says before he can stop himself. He feels skittish as he meets Jongin's gaze.

"Me too," he comments, taking a sip from his glass. "So... tell me more about you. We haven't seen each other in years. It's about time we catch up."

Taemin smiles a small smile. "Honestly, all I do is work. I spend some time with Jinki, Kibum, Jonghyun, Minho on my days off, but usually I'm somewhere in the dance building. What about you?"

Jongin's smiling, too. This feels more normal, though it's still strained between them. "I travel a lot now. Baekhyun and I rarely are ever home. One city to the next for photo shoots, but the experience is nice. My Japanese and English has improved tremendously."

He tries to ignore the feelings stirring at the use of 'Baekhyun and I.' It's not his place. "Do you like modelling?" Taemin asks. The small talk is easier than anything else.

"Yeah, it's not bad. I'm still not used to the attention associated with it, though," Jongin says, his smile stretching wider.

"You've always been shy," Taemin comments, smiling at the fleeting happiness that some things don't ever change.

"I guess that's true," he says quietly. "Hmm... I'm kind of hungry. Do you mind if we go out to eat somewhere? I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while, so I don't have anything to make here."

"Sure," he answers with a small smile. "I'd like that."

"Your car or mine?" Jongin asks. Taemin's surprise clearly takes him aback, a little. "Or separate, if you want..." he adds, immediately averting his gaze.

"No, no. Your car is fine," Taemin answers, reaching out to grab his forearm to comfort him and stopping halfway. He's going to keep his hands to himself this time. His hand falls back down to his side... until Jongin gently grabs it. Surprised, he looks up to see Jongin's reaction. For a moment, their eyes connect. Taemin recalls the last time he looked into Jongin's eyes like this. Last time, there was nothing but hurt in them. Now, there is only hesitation, maybe a little sadness.

The connection is broken when Jongin looks away, mumbling something about finding his keys. He lets go of his wrist. Taemin wishes that the moment lasted longer.

He feels an overwhelming sadness, and his eyes begin to water. He misses Jongin. He misses him so much that it hurts.

"What is it?" Jongin asks, hesitantly resting a hand on his shoulder.

"I... it's nothing," he says, blinking away the tears. He's not sure if he is ready for this conversation. 

Jongin seems to sense that... or doesn't feel comfortable prying. He doesn't say anything, he just nods. His hand falls from its place on his shoulder, and it's only now that Taemin realizes his hand was warm...

The walk to Jongin's car is done in uncomfortable silence. Taemin hates the chaotic flurry of emotions he's spent years trying to control. He has no right to be sad after what he did. Only Jongin has that right.

He looks down at his feet, trying to distract himself, and nearly runs right into Jongin's back.

"We're here," he says, grabbing his arms to steady him. Every second of contact between them surprises him. He doesn't understand how easily Jongin still touches him after what he did. 

He tries to shake it off as he moves to the passenger's side. He smiles sadly at the new car. It's nice, but he kind of misses Jongin's old beat up Toyota. He hesitates getting in the car because he's so overwhelmed. As he sits down, his thoughts race. Is it a good idea to go out to dinner together? It feels too good to be true. It seems too easy for Jongin to let him back in close. Taemin doesn't understand how he feels about anything right now. 

"What is it?" Jongin asks, gaze softening.

"Jongin, I don't know if I'm ready. I'm sorry for getting flustered like this, but..."

"I've forgiven you," Jongin cuts off his rambling. 

Taemin stares at him blankly. He can't believe what he just heard. "What?" His voice is small.

"I... I forgave you a long time ago, Taemin. I just didn't know how to reach out to you, to talk to you... Or if you wanted me to, because... I blamed it all on you. I'm sorry for getting so mad at you because you were right. I just didn't want to accept that I was partially to blame, and it was so easy to put it off on you. I'm more mature now, and I see that we both made mistakes... So if you leave now, I just wanted you to know at least that much." Jongin's gaze is soft and vulnerable for the first time that night. He can't believe that Jongin means this. He's serious.

Taemin doesn't know what to say. His lips are trembling and he's desperately fighting the urge to run and hide. He doesn't understand why he wants to hide from Jongin when he's forgiving him, but it probably has to do with him being so overwhelmed with his own emotions. He's wanted this talk for five years. He's thought of countless things he wanted to say and to ask, but his voice is failing him right now. He's once again overwhelmed. He buries his face in his hands in a vain attempt to hide his watering eyes. 

Jongin is on him in a second, holding him and murmuring soft words of comfort. Taemin leans into the embrace because those arms are the ones he's longed for ever since they separated five years ago. Here, he still feels protected and safe. Jongin feels like he did five years ago. It's everything he's needed and wanted and he doesn't want him to let go. He knows he shouldn't need this, he shouldn't even _let_ Jongin comfort him, but something died inside him when he left.

He didn't know how much he loved him until he was gone, and it was Taemin who pushed him away.

He's so incredibly mad at himself.

"Taemin," Jongin's soft but stern voice breaks the self-loathing.

"What?" he asks, his voice small. He hesitantly looks up to see Jongin's gentle features.

"Please forgive yourself."

Taemin can't believe the words he's hearing. Jongin is so sweet and kind and it amazes him. Taemin doesn't think he's capable of the amount of forgiveness Jongin is showing. He doesn't know how Jongin can be capable of showing such mercy when Taemin did what he did.

"I can't," he mutters. "Jongin, what I did was horrible. I can't forgive myself for... for _forcing_ you into sex..." He doesn't care that he was drunk out of his mind. He never should have let himself get that hammered in the first place. He never should have done that to Jongin, period. He's even more ashamed of how he handled himself the morning after when Jongin could barely walk.

Taemin hangs his head down and finally begins to cry. He can't imagine the pain Jongin must have felt. He remembers the look on Jongin's face when he accusingly asked why he didn't stop this from happening, as if it was all on him for simply being _there_.

No. Taemin doesn't care that he was drunk that night because he _hurt_ Jongin... and then added salt to the wound by cowardly trying to make him take credit. He feels sick with himself all over again. 

"Stop it," Jongin says evenly, no malice or suppressed anger to be heard. "Please." Jongin's arms around him tighten, almost as if he's afraid to let go. "Taemin... the reason I was so hurt isn't because of rough sex. It was because... at the time, I thought..." His voice goes soft as he trails off.

Taemin finds the courage to meet his gaze. "You thought...?"

"I thought it meant more than a one night stand. I thought you meant what you said to me that night."

Now he sees it. He finally sees the extent of the pain and turmoil behind the well practiced facade. Jongin turns his head away as his eyes water.

Taemin feels suffocated by all the things he wants and needs to say. None of it feels like enough but also feels like too much.

"Jongin," he starts, unsure of where his words will take him next. "Jongin-ah, it wasn't... it wasn't ever a one night stand." He wishes his tears would dry up because even though this is Jongin, he feels naked and exposed. "I really was in love with you... " He hears the hitch of Jongin's breath. "I just couldn't find the words or the time to tell you. It built and built and built, and I thought you were starting something with Sehun, and I got so jealous and I was drunk and reckless. I- I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything; that night, the morning afterwards... I should have taken care of you! Instead I argued with you and got angry because I was scared. I wasn't ready for what my confession would do to our relationship. It's so stupid because what I did to our relationship was so much worse."

Taemin doesn't remember the words they exchanged that day, not anymore, but he remembers the sickening feeling he felt when Jongin's face contorted in a thousand different ways of pain. The betrayal, the anger, the heartache... He remembers seeing each of them cross Jongin's face before he broke down crying. He stood from the bed and limped to his closet for clothes in a desperate rush to escape.

He remembers how Jongin wouldn't even see him after that. He remembers how Sehun and Baekhyun came to pack and move all of his things, grim and cold towards him. He remembers their warning to stay away. He remembers the terrible reality of what he did. 

Taemin's pulled from the painful memories by Jongin's lips against his cheek. The touch startles him to the core. "Taeminnie, I miss you."

All this time, Taemin honestly thought Jongin didn't want anything to do with him. He cut him off completely; he even stopped spending time with their mutual friends. When Taemin asked Jonghyun and Minho about it, they said Jongin was very closed off, even towards his own friends. They tried to hide it, but they were hurt, too. Everyone was hurt in some way by their actions.

"I miss you so much," Taemin murmurs, unable to stop the words from falling past his lips. He doesn't know what to do. Jongin deserves better than him, but the way he's still clinging to him makes it obvious that he doesn't want better. 

"I'm sorry for pushing you away," Jongin replies,  nuzzling his head into Taemin's shoulder. "I really am. If I hadn't shut you out, we could have fixed this years ago."

"You have nothing to apologize for," he answers, furrowing his brows. There's no way he's going to let Jongin blame himself. "I'm the one who should be saying that."

"No. If I have nothing to apologize for, then neither do you," Jongin says.

He wants to pull away and do the right thing by Jongin, but it feels so good to be close like this again. Taemin knows he's taking advantage of this situation, but he can't bring himself to let go because for the first time in five years, he finally feels like he's back where he belongs. 

But he loves Jongin enough to do the right thing this time. "Jongin... everything's up to you. Whatever relationship you want to have," he says seriously, pulling back enough to look into his eyes.

"I want us back... Obviously things won't be the same, but they can be better if we try," he says, finally pulling all the way back from the embrace.

"Okay," Taemin answers, trying not to get too hopeful.

"What do you want?" Jongin asks, grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers together.

"I want whatever you want," he says as evenly as he can. He feels like he's falling apart. 

"No. Taemin... you said that you loved me," Jongin starts. "Is there a chance you could love me again?"

_I haven't stopped_ , he thinks, keeping his face as neutral as he can. "Jongin, you deserve better-"

He's cut off by a finger to his lips. "Stop it. Taemin, I messed up that night, too. I could have stopped you. I didn't. We weren't ready for sex. We didn't understand how we felt... so we got ahead of ourselves. So if I deserve better than you, then you deserve better than me. Please stop blaming yourself..." 

Taemin wants to listen, he does, but old habits are hard to break. He's carried this guilt for five long years... it's going to take more than one deep conversation in a car to convince him otherwise. 

"Taemin," Jongin's voice goes quiet. "If there's anything that my injury has taught me, it's that I can't keep holding onto the past. Pain and sorrow are meant to be short experiences. If you let it linger too long, you'll forget how to be happy again."

Taemin can't put words to the feeling swelling in his chest. The reminder of the injury adds to the weight on his heart. He hesitantly pulls Jongin in close and sighs in relief as he isn't pushed away. He's not ready to forgive himself, but the words coming from Jongin mean so much. All these things he's feeling are exhausting and taking their toll on him. The quiet, steady rhythm of Jongin's breathing slowly calms him down.

If they take things slow, he'll come around. The heavy conversations are too overwhelming. This moment is without question the hardest moment he's ever faced in his life emotionally. He's never spoken about his feelings so much before in one conversation. All he wants right now is skinship, as long as Jongin is comfortable giving it.

They sit there, awkwardly holding their embrace in the car, both reluctant to let go. A sudden, absurd laugh bubbles past his lips. He has no idea where it came from. 

"What is it?" Jongin murmurs.

"I just... I've missed this. Us," he answers honestly. Being here with Jongin still feels like home even though there are so many years of changes between them. He can't believe he's getting a fraction of it back... and maybe even more. He still doesn't think he deserves it, but if there's anything he's learned, it's that it never works out to hurt Jongin, so he won't. He'll do what it takes to be the kind of man Jongin deserves to make him happy... but he doesn't know what that really even means. He doesn't know what relationship they'll actually have.

He wants to block out his racing thoughts, so he closes his eyes and breathes in Jongin's scent. He still wears the same cedar-smelling cologne. The familiar smell brings back so many fond memories of them together. One of his favorite memories was their weekly night at a billiards place just a few blocks down from their apartment. Jongin always tried to move the balls around whenever he wasn't looking; Taemin caught him every time but occasionally let him get away with it. Neither of them were very good at the game anyway. He didn't ever care about winning. It was always just spending time with Jongin laughing and smiling. Back then, things were easy.

He wonders if they can ever reclaim that easy relationship. He wonders if Jongin really wants him back.

Then he tries to think as if he was Jongin. He lost his best friend, too. Taemin doesn't know how Jongin felt about him that night... because though it's shameful to say, Taemin doesn't remember much. He remembers pestering Jongin to sleep with him, but the details are so hazy. He doesn't remember how it even felt to be inside him. What he did was terrible, and it feels even worse that he can barely recall it in the first place. 

"I haven't had more than a glass of wine since that night," Taemin murmurs, feeling the need to reassure Jongin.

"I know," Jongin answers. "But you don't have to do that... You were never like that when drunk. You rarely drank, even back then. And just so you know... I'm not scared of you, Taemin." Jongin gently strokes his hair. "That night, my resolve crumbled... You said all the right things, and I didn't know what to do. I tried to get you to go to bed, I tried to tell you we'd talk in the morning. Nothing worked. Every time I said the word 'no' you looked like a kicked puppy... And the way your hands felt... I couldn't keep saying no. You noticed how hard I was, and I let you drag me to your room." Jongin's lower lip is trembling, and Taemin wonders if he should pull away or pull him close. "Taemin-ah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting go of my resolve. I should have gone straight to my room and locked the door. You would have given up eventually and fallen asleep, and I could have spoken to you in the morning about your confession..." Jongin says, his gaze soft. "We wouldn't have broken apart like how we did."

Taemin shakes his head side to side. "Jongin, stop. You don't need to apologize. Don't blame yourself for mistakes I made. I never should have pushed so hard. I shouldn't have let my hands roam. And I never should have been so rough and impatient with you... and I'm so, so, _so_ sorry that it was your first time bottoming..." Taemin's eyes leak tears from the corners. He doesn't know when they started to water again.

"Taemin, I've already told you that I forgive you. Can we both forgive ourselves? We've already lost five years... I don't want to lose more." Jongin's finally crying, too. He squeezes him tight in his arms, and Taemin squeezes back.

"Okay," Taemin murmurs, desperately fighting the urge to press a kiss to his cheek.

"I've missed you so much," Jongin says, pulling away to look at him. 

Taemin's heart clenches at the tears falling from his eyes. Before he can stop himself, he brings a hand to his cheek to wipe some away. Jongin closes his eyes and leans into the touch before bringing his own hands to cup Taemin's cheeks. His thumbs wipe away some of his tears before more spill over. Jongin presses their foreheads together before brushing his lips against Taemin's trembling ones. The kiss is everything that the kisses they shared that night weren't. This one isn't fueled by jealousy or lust. When Jongin pulls away, he doesn't go far. The look in his eyes makes his heart melt. 

For the first time in five years, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, things will be okay again.

**Author's Note:**

> I was a little nervous posting this. I originally tried to write the night as well, but I just couldn't write it without destroying my heart. Maybe if I can just go apathetic-mode, this will get a prequel. Hmm.... 
> 
> Thank you for reading! It means so much to me. 
> 
> (P.S. EXO's song Lightsaber is AMAZING. I can't stop listening to it! Not to mention, I have a few ideas for a fanfic swimming in my mind.)


End file.
